Losing friends… It’s okay.

When I first started blogging, there were a few topics that I really wanted to discuss and the matter of losing friends was definitely at the top of my list. Having lost people I thought would always be around got me thinking that it is something which happens to all of us – but it’s not really spoken about. You ever lost a close friend and when someone asks what happened you’re just like… “Forget them, I don’t want to talk about it.” – well today guys, we’re talking about it. I want to talk about those friends we have all had that are no longer in our lives and address something that took me a long time to realise – you lose friends in life, and that is absolutely okay.

So let’s start with the types of friends we all have had or still have and KNOW that they are bad for us.

The ones that your mum warns you about:

Never have I ever kept a friend who I desperately tried to prove wasn’t bad to my mum. I gotta tell you guys – mums just know. I remember I had a few friends my mum just did not like and she would say they were not good for me. I never listened and I guess I learnt in my own time – and it bloody hurt.

The bitchy ones:

Have you ever had a friend that talks more about other people than anything else. I would say be wary of these types of people. I had a friend that bitched so much about the other girls in our friendship circle when we were alone and I used to be naive and think it’s because she trusted me the most – think about it though – if they can say all this to you about others they claim to be close to, why will they not do the same about you? All the friendships I have now are so much more fulfilling than that and we honestly spend all of our time talking about ourselves (self obsessed or not bitchy – you decide? haha).

The ones that make you feel shit about yourself:

This one is usually harder to identify because we end up with such a shit image of ourselves that we almost don’t even realise this kind of friend is toxic – we in fact, end up praising these people and believe that they’re good for us for “telling us how it is”. In fact – these people are so insecure of themselves that they get their kicks by making others feel like shit. I will never forget I once had a friend who saw me in a dress I had been SO excited to buy for our school prom – I had literally gone all the way to Liverpool to pick it up, had it altered and loved it so much. She saw me and went “hmm it’s alright I guess.” – Oh em gee – I remember thinking – BITCH. Haha, as you grow older you realise that friends are meant to make each other feel better and empowered – even if they don’t always agree with your opinion. If you have someone that constantly puts you down – just know it’s a form of abuse. You don’t deserve to feel belittled by anyone and if you see this happening – sack them off. This kind of abuse can really stick with you (as above) and if you don’t get out of it earlier – you end up with little self confidence/low self esteem.

The ones who never ask how you are:

Guys, i’ll put it out there – I am such a people pleaser and always have been. I feel like I need to constantly make an effort with everyone in my life and make others feel better about themselves. Only very recently, maybe in the last year or so did I realise – this is such an unhealthy and draining trait to have. Start thinking about who actually makes the effort back – who actually asks how your life is going? I can guarantee you will realise that there are some people that actually never even ask how you are. You may constantly ask them how they are doing – what’s going on – wishing them well – and do they actually ever ask back? Nope? Ditch them. It’s a tough one when someone hasn’t actually done anything wrong – but realise that if someone cared about you like they claim they do – they would ask.

The drainers:

Who’s got a friend that is just really draining? Like they might be a great friend but their negativity can really impact on you? Again, something I have seen growing up is having someone around that is constantly negative is not healthy. I completely understand that people go through bad stuff and life can really get on top of you – but you should never ever impose them feelings on someone else or make it the focal point of your friendship. If someone is constantly telling you how bad their relationship is but never leaves it, ringing you 500 times to talk about the same stuff or telling you their depressed but again, doesn’t try to change it – think about the impact it may be having on you and if it’s worth investing energy in to. If someone isn’t going to change their behaviour but at the same time, make you feel down – is it a mutual friendship where they care for your needs too? I have had some great friends in the past but after I have gotten out of the friendship realised – they really held me back at times.

The ones that always happen to be there at the good times:

I strongly believe in one thing – if someone can’t be there through your bad times, they don’t deserve to be there through the good. Be aware of this. When I got engaged a few very old friends reached out to me and honestly, it was laughable. Through all of the losses I endured in the last few years they didn’t text once, but suddenly they had the best things to say about me. Erm… Laters.

The ones that use you:

You ever had a friend that only contacts you when it’s convenient for them or when they need something. Again, observe if this is happening and don’t give in to it. The more you are available for people like this – the more they will take advantage of you. Sometimes people think you’re weak because you’re always available to their demands so don’t allow them to even think this.

The ones where it just fizzles:

This tends to happen when you grow up and start to move on in life. It’s not necessarily even a bad thing but I do think it can at first feel strange. When I started drifting from people when I first left school/uni – I started to think maybe they didn’t like me anymore, how did they just not care? And it used to hurt when I overthought it. I’d reach out at times but they seemed busy getting on with their life – so I did the same, and it was brilliant. I slowly realised as I started to focus more on myself and my growth that these people didn’t fit in my life anymore and it didn’t really matter – because they were the right people at the time they were there. One thing to also take a note of guys: the whole your uni friends are your friends for life is not something I think is true. Post graduating, I have met so many more people who I could picture in many of my future moments of life rather than the ones I was at uni with. Again, you start working and growing and sometimes – those people just don’t fit anymore, and it’s fine.

I’m sure everyone could relate to at least one of the above and I guess the reason I wanted to even address this is because I wanted to get across one main thing – it’s so normal to lose friends, and it’s fine to do so.

I think it’s really important to understand as well that losing people doesn’t always necessarily mean they are bad people. I know above I have stated some friends that may be bad for you – but sometimes we also lose good people, for various reasons. Again though, it’s just a part of the process and it may just be that they’re not meant to be a part of your life anymore. I have had some amazing memories with such good people but again, due to life and differences in moving on, you can outgrow each other, which is fine too.

If you have lost any of the above – just remember that it is such a natural process of growth in life. I am a very loyal person so it used to be really difficult for me when friendships ended – I would desperately want to hold on because I had planned for these people to stick around and now they weren’t going to? But as soon as I learnt to distance myself from these people, I found more time for self love and better people for me.

I am telling you guys – if a friendship ever makes you feel belittled, worthless or feels forced – it’s time to end it. At the start it can really hurt you, but in the long run – losing some people can really be the biggest blessing for you. I once fell out with one of my best friends over the smallest thing and I won’t lie – it hurt like a bitch. She had always been there and was a good friend – but after the natural grieving process (after all, it is a loss) – I felt relieved, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt like the silly argument that led us to end such a strong friendship was one of the best things to ever happen to me – and the way it was meant to pan out. I strongly believe that if you still have friends who are petty or argue over little things and are in your 20’s – understand that they’ve not yet grown up, and at times – it can affect your growth. I realised at times I was so held back from friends who were actually just too dependent on me.

If you have friendships like the above – think about how much they help or hinder you – I strongly believe that friends should help you to grow, be a better person and really care about your needs. I realised from eliminating the above types of people – I only had a handful of people left, but I have never felt so fulfilled in my social life – because all of my friendships hold so much value and make me a better person. All of my close people are non-judgemental and have helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life – and have stuck around.

The people I now have in my life truly mean everything. They make me feel like a good person, they push and motivate me to achieve my dreams. I would never have got into blogging if it wasn’t for them cheering me on. I see them regularly and there’s never any unnecessary drama. We have similar visions for the future and even if we don’t always agree on things – it’s never an issue.

Find people in your life that add value and get rid of anyone that drains you or brings negativity to your life. Distance yourself from people that don’t make an effort with you to see if it’s just a one sided friendship and don’t be afraid of letting go of people just because you’re used to having them around. I promise if you have the courage to take that first step, you will feel more empowered and will attract people that are on the same wavelength as you. Let go of shitty people and do what’s right for you. Remember not everyone is meant to stay. Expect to lose people throughout your life and know that this is fine – their time in your life is up and I promise if they were meant to stay, they would have never left. Start investing your energy and time in to people that care for you and I promise you will feel refreshed.

Wow that was LONG, sorry for that – I just went off on a bit of a tangent lol. I guess I just wanted you all to know that this happens to everyone and I hope you could relate to some of my examples!

Thanks for reading as always guys, and here’s to more fulfilling friendships and letting go of people that don’t fit into our life anymore!

Until next week,
Tayyeba xx