Accepting Loss

Hello guys! I hope you are well!

Today i’m talking about something very personal for me. Loss and grief.

Among all the great pictures we post of our lives on social media, I guess we never really fully know what someone is going through. I bet you wouldn’t believe me if I said i’d lost someone really close to me every single year for the past four years? Including this year – just a month ago.

I thought it was a good time to talk about this topic as tomorrow marks a year since we lost my grandma. My grandma who we grew up with, lived with us and held a very special place in our hearts. This was also just after we lost my niece at just twelve years old. I’d be lying if I said this year had been easy – but overcoming it and desperately wanting the new year to start made me think that it might benefit others to better understand what they may go through if they’ve lost someone and ways that they could manage it better from someone who has also been in a similar position.

I wanted to divide this post into two sections – firstly I wanted to talk about what to expect when you’ve lost someone and secondly, some useful things to help you along this journey of grief.

Things to expect when you’ve lost someone.

I’ve mentioned this first as I often hear people say that they feel they’re not grieving properly or the way they should be doing – just a little insight into this guys – there is no one way to grieve and I promise, you are doing just fine.

1. Everybody grieves differently.

I have put this first as it is the most important. I have never met two people who have grieved in the same way. So if you see someone else ‘dealing with it better’ than you – chances are, they may have found it difficult prior to this or potentially have a different way of showing it. Do not punish yourself for grieving – it is so so important you are kind to yourself during this time and I promise you WILL begin to deal with it better in time.

2. Don’t expect others to understand – chances are they won’t.

I can definitely say from experiencing a lot of loss, I can relate better to people who are grieving. However, I will still say – I have no idea what they are going through. Try not to get upset when people say “I understand how you’re feeling” (because they fricking don’t right?), but also – try not to have expectations that they will. It puts a lot of pressure on another person if you constantly make it known that they have no idea what you’re going through – so just try to be patient, I promise they’re trying – something I realised after a long time.

3. You will notice who your true friends/family are.

During a time of loss, when you have so many emotions already – disappointment is definitely one of the worst feelings. I have always always said it is easy to be there for someone through their good times, but to be there through the bad takes A LOT. Alhamdulilah throughout my bad times – I did have a great support system, but even the little things of who calls and messages to see how you’re doing mean so much more – and you can filter through who really is there for you. If you are currently grieving and feel someone isn’t there for you enough – maybe just tell them, because as I said earlier, they may just really not understand what you are going through and if after you’ve told them they still act the same – then you know I guess?

4. You’ll be irritable and angry – and everyone will just make it worse.

Because you’re feeling overwhelmed already – everything and everyone will exacerbate this. You might find yourself getting angry at things that never angered you before or seeing someones text and feeling like you just want to throw your phone in their face – even though they’ve not really said anything wrong. It’s all because you’re frustrated – and this is okay. You feel like what has happened is unfair and why did it happen to you? You’re a good person and everything in life right now is just shit. Try the one minute rule – before you respond or react, take a minute and think about what you’re really responding to – chances are you’ll realise that when you are your normal self – you probably wouldn’t respond this way and just think if its worth it.

5. You’ll cry randomly – and most likely think something is wrong with you.

I remember after my grandma and Emaan died, I cried every single day and I was like WHAT THE HELL JUST STOP ALREADY. It was so unlike me as I hadn’t cried this much before. There was then this one night where I cried SOOOO much I couldn’t even breathe and funnily enough – this was the last time I cried – till just last week. Yup that’s right – I hadn’t cried in a whole year and last week I was praying and at the end of praying I just cried. But this is fine, it is allowed to happen and again, there is nothing wrong with you. You need an outlet for your pain and for some people – crying helps release all the emotions, for others it may not. I am not depressed or upset – it’s merely just part of the process of overcoming loss and as long as you can get on with things after this – you’re doing great.

6. You’ll feel guilty.

You’re probably going to think did you show them enough love whilst they were alive? Did you appreciate them enough? Why did you get angry with them? After my grandma died – I spent months thinking whether I could have made her last days easier for her. Why did I used to get angry with her over the smallest things? Why did I shout? Why did I fight with my brother even though she hated it? (He was her favourite). Why did I not just tell her she was such a blessing in my life and shower her with all the love and deeds I could. Even writing this now makes me teary because its the harsh reality guys, we don’t appreciate people until they are gone – never as much as we should anyway. But again, if you are just going to think about it over and over again and feel guilty for it – is it going to change what happened? My advice is to do as much as you can to make up for it now that they’re gone. I went to my grandmas grave and planted flowers and sat for hours and just talked to myself/her for quite a while after she died – my own way of making up for all the brattiness and love I probably didn’t show. And more than anything – you probably did a heck of a lot – don’t waste your time with guilt, it’s not worth it and changes nothing.

Things you can do to help yourself.

As I’ve kind of mentioned before – grief is complicated and hard and there is unfortunately no magic wand to help us get over it, but I do believe there are things that I learnt to do as time went on which did help with my acceptance of my losses.

1. You need time off – TRUST ME.

Sometimes the easiest thing to do when you’re overwhelmed and grieving is to just get stuck back in to daily life because distraction is easier than facing your feelings. I would advise anyone grieving to be kind to yourself and take time off. Have some time with your family to mourn your loss, but more than anything, to overcome what you have just been through. Going back to your ‘normal life’ when you’re not in the right frame of mind is not good for yourself or others around you. People don’t understand what you’re going through and chances are, if you’re acting normal – they’re going to act normal too and before you know it you’ll be at work feeling overwhelmed with pressure and may have to take time off later.

2. Speak to others.

A lot of people don’t want to burden others when they’re grieving, because who wants to hang around with someone who’s feeling down all the time? Honestly – those people do want to be there for you. Talk to others about how you’re feeling – even if they didn’t ask. I’m a big talker (incase you didn’t notice) and when I was grieving i’d randomly bring it up to my close people sometimes, just talk about random memories or feelings. This is fine. They did nothing – they didn’t take away the pain or change anything, but that outlet is necessary.

3.Be grateful for what you still have – don’t lose yourself to grief.

This is so so important guys. It is sooo easy to get caught up in your grief and to almost lose yourself to it. Some people become so low that they feel that their whole life now needs to be based on this loss. I get it – it’s crappy and no one can bring that person back – but you know what’s even worse, if you don’t start to think about all that you still have. Channel all of the energy you take to grieve into appreciating what is still around. Since we lost my grandma I appreciate my parents SO much more, my mum is pretty much my best friend and believe it or not – appreciating each other when my grandma had gone is what got us through our grief. I appreciate my sisters so much more since we lost Emaan – someone who was a sister to two of my beautiful nieces. The thought that I am so so lucky I still have a sister is enough for me to care so much more for them. Start living and measuring your life by what you still have, not what you lost. Always remember and pay tribute to the people we have lost – but don’t lose yourself in the process.

4. Take every day at a time.

Guys, when I was younger I was going through a difficult time and my best friend said to me “Tayyeba – stop thinking about the next week or next year or next day even – just get through today and this is the new rule okay?” – I never knew something so simple could help me so much for the future. Guys honestly this advice has stuck in my head ever since and it is the way I take on nearly all of lifes challenges. Every time you feel overwhelmed or sad or like this is never going to end – just get to the end of the day – that is your only goal for the day. You will be surprised how one day you will feel less numb, less sad and you will have overcome so much, just by taking every day at a time.

5. Remember them in a good way.

I feel especially in Pakistani culture, you need to always be sad when someone dies and really show how upset you are. I think it’s equally as important to remember them and be happy. Smile, watch videos and celebrate their life. A month ago we lost two of my aunties which was a big shock for us. One of them was quite ill and the night she passed, dad spent the night showing us photos and videos of her being happy in her last months – we smiled and laughed and it was so beautiful to remember her like this, as well as grieve for the loss.

6. Pinterest and reading blog posts helps.

Guys – it’s a little strange telling anyone about this but believe it or not, when i’m feeling down and want to find some peace with how I feel – I read quotes on Pinterest and read blog posts (oh hey there). When I wanted to know how to feel when I was grieving or wanted some advice, i’d get on to Google and start looking at peoples blog posts about it – It helped me massively as it made me realise I am not alone. I lost myself reading things sometimes as it really brought me some inner peace reading things that I could really relate to at the time. Same with quotes – when you see something that just captures everything you feel in one picture – it can really help.

7. Pray pray pray.

I would definitely say through my grief – I turned to prayer so much more. Sometimes when I felt drained of the world and did not want to talk to anyone, I would lose myself in prayer and just talk through things and honestly this massively helped. Even just having my own time after Namaz to just have a little cry to myself and then get on with the day. This is something I practise regularly Alhamdulilah but I would definitely say through my grief, having that time helped me more than anything and probably got me more into praying on an every day basis. As they say “A calamity that brings you closer to god is by far better than a blessing that takes you away from god” – I love love love this quote and if one of the good things that comes out of this journey of grief is that you’re more in touch with your faith – this is enough.

8. If you don’t pray – take time to reflect regularly.

If you do not have a religion – I would definitely recommend you take some time out during the day/week for reflection. Whether that be writing a journal or having 15 minutes to think about things on a night before getting on with your routine. Reflection/meditation/an outlet for your emotions is so so essential during the time of grief and it can be extremely powerful.

9. Life goes on.

This is one of the hardest realities but it’s true – life goes on. You can’t stay stuck in your bubble of grief for too long because everyone will start moving on and you’ll almost be annoyed at them for doing so – but you will have to eventually too. Slowly and in your own time, start to think about what you want from life and start to live it again. Don’t feel guilty for moving on – it does not mean you have forgotten that person, just that you need to carry on for your friends and family and everyone you still have around. Keep going and I promise you’ll learn to accept it in time.

10. Keep the faith – it does get easier to accept as time goes on.

Lastly, stay strong guys. Its not easy and I can’t think of much pain which is worse than losing someone you love but I promise if you take the time out to remember but more importantly, stay grateful for what you still have – I promise it will get easier.

Thank you for reading guys and if you got this far – well done! Haha. If you are currently going through a bereavement, I know this post won’t change what you’re going through – but I hope it helped you in better understanding what you may be feeling and the fact that things will get easier. & if you know someone who is currently going through a bereavement, I hope this post gave you a little insight into how they may be feeling. If you feel you have overcome the loss of someone but are finding it difficult to get back to normal daily living – read my post about getting out of a funk.

If you have any questions at all, please do not hesitate to leave a comment or send me a message. Lastly, you’re doing so well – please remember that.

Thank you for reading and I will see you all in my next blog post!

Tayyeba xx